Who am I...

Why am I here...

What makes me tick...

What is my purpose in this world...?

Perhaps having gotten cancer has been a blessing in disguise for me. Since I have so much free time in my hands these days, I have a lot of time to think. While fashion has always been a passion of mine and will most likely continue to be...I feel there is a void I've yet to fill in my life that I need to fix ahorita mismo.

Although I've moved so many times in my life and lived in various countries, I always have considered Guatemala my hometown...I'll have to take that up to the Chapinos and convince them that I really am Guatemalan....(sorry mom & dad...)

The town I lived in was tiny- the entire population of the school I attended was 150. Yes- One Hundred and Fifty students. Oh and that's from K-12. My class was one of the biggest with a whopping 14 students.

During my last year there, I met a teacher by the name of Ms. Nightingale. She hailed (this is a har har moment) from South Africa. I also met Mr. Walton, who was also from South Africa. Most of the staff and faculty were missionaries from all over the world who gave up years of their time to devote to this school, the students, and the city in the name of goodness.

I wonder what kind of impression I left on Ms. Nightingale & Mr. Walton because they sure did leave footprints in my heart. It was no surprise to me that they became the Waltons soon after I left. I bet they had an amazing wedding ceremony. From what I remember of them, I know it must have been a very intimate affair.

During my recent trip to Texas, I reunited with an old classmate/friend from Guatemala. We chatted for hours and hours about what we've done in the last 10 years and how things are back at home. It was then that I remembered that the Waltons had a very bad helicopter accident a few years ago. They both left the school I attended and opened a bilingual school in an adjacent town. While transporting the school supplies from one town to another, they crashed. Mrs. Walton was pregnant and lost her baby. She broke a leg but still managed to carry the pilot out of the helicopter before it burst into flames. That is the kind of person Mrs. Walton is, a very giving and kind hearted beautiful lady.

I was extremely angry at my parents for moving us to a different country. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friends because I was "tricked" into coming to LA. We were supposedly making a pit stop and going back. We never did. Then came the reasons...It's better for your future. You can get a better education here. Crime is so bad in Guatemala. Yadayadayada...reasons...or excuses if you'd like to call them that. Once the fact that I was going to live here sunk in, I stopped praying. I stopped believing in God. I was so angry for being taken away from my friends and everything that meant the world to me at that time. Months before the move, I'd been praying and asking God every single second that I was free to allow me to stay in Guatemala. Please, please, please...I just want to graduate with my friends. I am so happy here.

We as humans make so many excuses for ourselves. My excuse for having committed a book full of sins in the past 10 years is due to the aforementioned. Perhaps I am not worthy of any excuses...but only God can be the judge of that and it is something that I have to work out on my own.

Yesterday, I spoke to another old classmate/friend from Guatemala. She called me when I was in the hospital several times but I never answered, nor did I call back until yesterday because I'd been so frazzled. Or is that another excuse? Anyway, so she moved to Canada the year I came to LA. Her father is a priest and she told me he'd added me to the prayer list at his church. When she told me that, I burst into tears.

THIS IS WHY I'M STILL HERE. 

Those are my roots.

Honesty, sincerity, goodness. 

I am not here because I love shoes...clothes or any of that materialist bullshit that no one can take to the grave with them.

So it occurred to me. As any of the 13 of my classmates would recall, when I was asked what I wanted to do when I grew up (come on, which teacher doesn't ask you that...), my answer was to open a foster home...or something along that extent. The school that I attended were full of children of businessmen of the city, the more financially stable/fortunate of the bunch, so to speak. By financially stable, I mean bringing in $1k a month. Some made much more obviously. That's below poverty line in the United States. But a lot for a 3rd world country...

1998. 

A few classmates and I formed a club that got resources together (ie, money, toys, food) to donate to the less fortunate. I had a blast doing it. Giving the toys to the shoeless children running out in the carreteras for the toys was so much joy.

One day, we went to a foster home. There were about 5-7 children who'd been given up by their families or just dumped. It was that day that I knew I wanted to do something along the lines of running a foster home to help these poor children. They needed a loving home with food in their bellies and anything that'd keep them warm.

Unfortunately, running a foster home in the United States is completely different than doing so in a 3rd world country like Guatemala. I don't have the means to do anything to that degree here and I won't lie- Jack & I have very low patience for children (that is, if they lived with us...). Playing with them at the park is no problem whatsoever...playing with a friend's child is not a problem either...but having one of our own, let alone running a foster home (because I would consider them my own anyway) is out of the question at this time.

It is beyond incredible to me that the Waltons are running that school in Guatemala. Because I am no where near opening one myself... or becoming a foster parent, the only way that I can help is to support them financially.

With that said, a big chuck of all of the things I will be listing in the shop will be going to the Walton's school. I have yet to figure out the math but I plan on depositing all the income from the blog into one separate account and then deduct some of my expenses once a nice dent has been made. I'll be updating the store soon so please be sure to check it out.

via nmhparent

What's your purpose?